in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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