I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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