this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
