My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
