Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
