I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
false alarm, still single
Randomize
