When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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