Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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