2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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