At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
