so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
