He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
