I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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