I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
