i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
did i walk over a car last night?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
