and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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