Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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