before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
