i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
