god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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