my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
