i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
