I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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