Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
