a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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