Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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