I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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