2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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