M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize