there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
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