So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
