chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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