Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
