shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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