did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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