I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
