you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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