These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
