The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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