that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
whose ass print is on the piano?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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