doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
