woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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