Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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