today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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