How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Randomize
