On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my phone needs a breathalizer
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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