Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she told me i tasted like america
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I think i got beer on your cat.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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