Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
