Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize