I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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