My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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