Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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