Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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