she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
