genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
