Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
