So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
