That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
