when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
