I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
