I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's blow job season.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Sorry about my life...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
