I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
