There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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