if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize