I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
